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Rick: You’re a man of God, have some faith.
Hershel: I can’t profess to understand God’s plan, but when Christ promised a resurrection of the dead, I just thought he had something a little different in mind.
-The Walking Dead, Season 2, “Beside the Dying Fire”
In 2010 the Apocalypse began: Kelly green replaced maroon. The cashiers smiled no more. The meat packer stared with empty eyes. And the produce…..it was stacked.
Fewer and fewer baggers stood at the end of the aisle – each looking older than their years.
Entire shelves of canned goods and frozen foods went missing only to reappear two days later, unexplained.
Shopping carts migrated outside. Open lines dwindled. Detergent boxes shrank.
What we know is this: Ukrop’s is dead. What we now believe is…. the empty shell of Ukrop’s has returned as Martin’s the Zombie Grocery Store.
We once lived peaceably in a utopian city that held at the center of all its faiths, the ecumenical belief in Ukrop’s Grocery Store. We worshipped there every day but Sunday. We offered our money for goods, our children for baggers, our holidays to cater. Other cities lost their faith in the Great Grocer, but we held firm. Foolishly, we thought we could escape the coming doom.
We were innocent, then. We were blind and arrogant. And we were wrong.
A necromancer by the name of Royal Ahold promised us resurrection. He guaranteed excellent service, excellent quality, and abundant quantities. He professed strong bags and friendly faces to fill them. He vowed wine departments and Sunday shopping. And, finally, he showed us happy customers in other stores carrying baskets brimming with beautiful vegetables and meats.
But we didn’t know they had been infected.
Clouded by grief, we believed him. Oh, how easy it was for us to believe when they occupied the same space, kept the same people, offered the same fuel discounts, and used the same bakery. “Ukrops” still blazed on ready-made foods and cookies – even on the marquee: “Ukrop’s Café” – mocking us to this day.
With our trust secured, we lined up like lemmings to exchange our shoppers’ cards, allowing the infection to spread to each and every Richmond location.
At first, the symptoms were barely noticeable: absence of the products we loved, shortages of produce, changes in the salad bar. But then the people disappeared – replaced by folks we did not recognize. And finally, the prices went up…and up…and up; while the quality went down…and down….and down. Meats with brown spots, soft lemons, nearly outdated milk: this is the new normal.
But today, I am here to tell you there is something more insidious in the works.
The Undead Grocery Store is organizing a larger offensive – and they mean to take the last vestiges Ukrop’s soul with them.
Just last week, covered cart corrals were installed in every parking lot at Martin’s Zombie Grocery Store. And yesterday, even the inferior Martin’s paper bags were replaced with thinner bags that have no handles.
So help me God: THE PAPER BAGS HAVE NO HANDLES!
This can only mean one thing: baggers and the paper bags they fill are next to go.
There is only one thing left for us to do: arm ourselves with different shoppers’ cards and move to another store. The time is past to grieve the Great Grocer. Continuing to shop in a Zombie store makes us weak against their deception. They may look the same, but the new creature is a soulless monster sent to eat our brains at $2.00 more per pound.
Starve the Zombie! Save our city! And may God have mercy on our sole!*
* “Sole” is an inclusive metaphor for all food-stuffs.
I too miss Ukrops and confess that my limited experiences with Martin’s became increasingly sad. However, I will not lament the demise of shopping bags if it encourages shoppers to bring and use their own. perhaps this is the iota of good to seek.
Spoken like a true Richmonder! Roanoke was not worthy of Ukrops!
why the heck do you think kroger has “super-zied” all of their richmond locations? they knew what was coming and they swept-in for the attack. i will have a sawed-off shotgun and you will find me in the taste-testing section of trader joe’s when the zombies start straying from martin’s. excellent post 😉
Trader Joe’s has been the only bright spot in an otherwise dismal landscape of grocery shopping! I’ll be in the cheese section – we’ll hold them off Whole Foods and keep them there!
They are the only store to carry the tubeless brand of toilet paper I like and the Pharmacists are still helpful and nice. But I have shifted my allegiance to Dominion Harvest and Whole Foods. for almost all my foodstuffs. It is sad.
You can go where you want but I choose to go to Fresh Market to get my meats and a lot of my veggies.