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As a freshman at James Madison University in the Shenandoah Valley, I discovered freedom. I went out when I wanted, came home when I wanted, slept when I wanted, ate when I wanted, ate what I wanted. Growing up in a fairly strict and rather regimented home, my new life at JMU was exhilarating. Of course with more freedom, there were more responsibilities. Thanks to my fairly strict and rather regimented upbringing, I handled most of the responsibilities with ease. Still, I’d been liberated and I felt that I could finally paint this world in great big, broad strokes, with the image of the woman I was becoming.
Today JMU sprawls across Interstate 81. But in 1982, the campus was centered in the older section of Harrisonburg, Virginia, a few blocks from government buildings and the town square. It was somewhat isolated. I felt safe within the campus boundaries because everyone there was like me, a student searching for a way in this world. During class, at the student commons, in the Quad, I saw familiarity, students and faculty from a somewhat educated, middle-class or upper middle-class background. No homeless vagrants loitered nearby, reminding us that devastation exists in this world. No gangs roamed the streets, marking neighborhoods controlled by fear and violence.
I was naïve, I know, and starry-eyed about my surroundings, my new friends, my new boyfriend, my new classes. I knew danger existed. I grew up in Richmond, former murder capital of the United States. Middle school teachers taught us how to avoid precarious situations, especially downtown where the scary people lived. My own father taught me how to fend off a date after more than I was willing to give. But I was in Harrisonburg now, the very definition of small town. Campus police protected us. As long as I was within the boundary of the sacred soil of James Madison University, I believed I was safe
One of my roommates, Trish, was very cute, very sweet, very smart, and very country. She came from Chilhowie, Virginia – a much smaller town than Harrisonburg – and she sported a sassy Southern accent that made her somewhat irresistible to all the Northern Virginia frat boys. At parties and mixers, my other roommate, Lisa, and I fairly paled in comparison to Trish.
Trish knew she had a strong affect on young men, and while she enjoyed herself, she was aware enough to know when to stop. Several players on the rugby team invited her to the local bar, JM’s, for happy hour one Friday that Fall.[1] Trish didn’t know these young men well enough to go into this situation alone, so she asked Lisa and I to come with her to JM’s that night. She knew we didn’t like beer and we knew she needed us as back-up, should she over-indulge. She had no intention of going home with anyone, but she didn’t want to miss the fun. We were with her as responsible sister-friends to keep her from getting lost.
So we went. Trish drank beer. Lisa and I drank Coke. Trish was the center of it all. Lisa and I got chatted-up by some lesser-known rugby players who kept offering us beer, which was only hospitable, if not hopeful. We watched Trish. It was like watching a butterfly on a fence full of honeysuckle. She flitted and flirted and smiled and entertained. She was fun – fun to be with, fun to be around, fun to watch. She had a great time, but at no time did she make herself available. Then someone got too close and pushed her boundaries. Trish was still very present, even with a couple of beers. She gave us the signal and like the team we were, Lisa and I came to get her with some lame excuse about a test or a phone call or some hair that needed washing.
It was around midnight, maybe not even quite midnight. JM’s was on the opposite side of campus, diagonally, from our dorm, Wine-Price Hall – affectionately known as the “Virgin Vault” because of the strict male visitation rules.[2] We had to travel across Main Street, cut through the Quad, pass Burruss Hall, walk up the wooded hill behind the Library, then back down the hill by the Steam Plant before ascending another steep hill to Wine-Price. It was about a fifteen minute walk.
I first heard the footsteps behind us after we crossed Main Street. I noticed a dark figure in my periphery by the time we reached the Quad. Lisa and I instinctively knew we were being followed, and without a word we began protocol to lose him. In perfect synch, we began slowing down and speeding up our pace to see if the footsteps stayed with us. Lisa was a city-girl from Baltimore, so she and I had the same city training. Trish did not. She didn’t seem to notice that the footsteps continued to match ours as we passed the bluestone buildings. Lisa and I shifted to another tactic. We began talking loudly, laughing and making a general nuisance of ourselves, so as to draw attention. We needed eyes on us, because no one was looking at the man following in the shadows. However, at that time of night, that part of JMU was deserted. There were no dorms nearby and the Library and class buildings had long closed for the night.
We reached Burruss Hall where our path home led behind the Library through some woods. For the briefest second, Lisa and I paused to hear where the footsteps went, our nerves tight with fear. The steps headed toward the path in front of the Library, and if our stalker walked quickly enough, he would cut us off in the woods at the Steam Plant, where no one could hear us.
Cell phones weren’t around in 1982. We had no way to reach anyone who could help us. This was happening. This was real. We were in trouble and the campus police were nowhere to be found. So I swallowed my panic and picked up the pace.
Just as we ducked behind the Library, Trish whispered, “You know, I think someone might be following us.”
In unison, Lisa and I both said, “Yup.” All three of us took off running.
We tore down the hill just in time to see our pursuer round the corner of the Steam Plant, heading right for us. We still had to get to the top of the steepest hill on campus, where our dorm waited like a safe keep. Without concern for what anyone thought of us, we flew up the steps just as our stalker reached the bottom of the hill. He was only seconds behind us. I fumbled with the keys while he was making his way up the stairs, and just as the door shut us safely inside our dorm, the man who followed three college freshmen all the way across campus for no good reason, was rattling the locked door to get at us still.
I don’t remember if we called campus police. I think we did. No one was caught. Thankfully, no one that night was hurt.
I often wonder who else he followed, who else wasn’t fast enough, who else didn’t have city-girl training.
I tell you this story because of the recent disappearance of Hannah Graham from the campus of the University of Virginia in Charlottesville, only a mountain away from JMU. She was followed, like us. She never made it home. I tell you this story because some have dismissed her disappearance saying she’s to blame because she went to a bar, wearing a crop top, she was alone, she had been drinking. They will tell you that she was asking for it.
Back in 1982, we were not alone, two of us had not been drinking, and we wore everyday street clothes. We were “good girls,” living in the Virgin Vault. We took precautions.
And yet – we were followed still.
Women are targets not because we dress in crop tops, not because we get drunk, not because we walk alone. We are targets because we are women. Somehow violence against women becomes acceptable in our society when we are labeled distractions, temptations, shrews, whores, gold-diggers, emasculating bitches. If a woman dresses to accentuate her body, we say she is tempting fate. If she has been drinking, we say she should have known better. If she was drugged, we say she put herself into that situation. If she walks alone, we say she set herself up.
It is as if simply by having a female body, we are considered a danger to ourselves.
When we blame women for being victims of sexual crimes, we are saying that women’s bodies corrupt men and must be controlled, because men are uncontrollable animals. This assumption is as much an insult to men as it is to women, because it forgoes any possibility that men can actually control their urges and accuses women of being the trigger for those urges to turn violent.
Whether we wear low-cut sweaters or burqas, whether we are sober or drunk, whether we are alone or with friends – women are attacked by men who choose not to control themselves. It’s time to blame the criminals for their crimes, and not the women for simply being there. Until we can make this distinction, we will prolong the myth that all men are rapists and all women secretly wish to be raped. We do not and they are not.
By the grace of God or some blip in the universe, Trish, Lisa, and I made it home that Friday night. Hannah Graham did not. She’s still out there, waiting to be discovered, waiting to be vindicated, waiting for justice. There are many more like Hannah, also waiting. Their sacrifice should not become yet another girl gone, but a battle cry for women and men alike to stop making excuses for sexual predators.
Our prayers are with you, Hannah, and your family. Please come home, soon.
[1] Back in 1982, eighteen-year-olds could drink beer, nineteen-year-olds could have wine, and nearly everyone turned a blind eye to everything else, so most social situations had alcohol in every hand. See Wikipedia on drinking laws in the U.S.
[2] In 1982, JMU offered dorms that allowed members of the opposite sex to visit in your dorm room every day, only on weekends, and never. My parents gave me the option of only weekends and never. I chose the weekends. Wine-Price was the only female dorm at JMU with this kind of visitation restriction.
No, Hannah Graham’s disappearance was definitely NOT her fault. That lies squarely on the depraved shoulders of an evil psychopath named Jesse Matthew. However, many are not speaking realistically concerning how Hannah’s comportment that night definitely played a significant part in her disappearance. I do not mean she wanted to be raped. I do not mean she was asking for it. I do not mean she got what she deserved. Far from it! Face it folks. Due to living in this depraved world, and not in utopia, one’s behaviour is significant. Consider the old adage – Actions speak louder than words. My female body is not a detriment to me for it was beautifully created by God. Hannah’s beautiful, young, athletic body was not a detriment to her. Had Hannah not been out alone late, in the dark, inebriated, dressed seductively, she would still be alive. She would not have been targeted by Jesse Matthew for she would not have been on the downtown mall! That’s the truth. Yes, females are targets of sexual predators no matter what. Of course, such barbaric behaviour by males is NEVER excusable! However, behaving safely, wisely, and healthily can serve to dramatically reduce the probability that a female will be abducted by a wicked predator, who cares nothing for her beautiful, unique, priceless life. Many shout loudly that males are responsible for keeping their baser instincts in check. Unequivocally so! However, there are many males in this world who do NOT care a whit about reining themselves in. Due to living in our narcissistic culture, we ALL know that to be unequivocally so! We do not live in heaven! We live in a world corrupted by sin, and if we don’t wisely protect ourselves and our children, we live foolishly, dangerously, irresponsibly, unlovingly. I will reiterate – the morally corrupt males who willfully choose to perpetrate violent crimes against females are alone responsible for their egregious acts, even in our culture that is responsible for breeding such psychopaths. However, as females with 50% less brute strength, we must live wisely, safely and healthily as best we can to curtail much of the criminal activity directed at us. The only real answer to all of our woes is Jesus! We all pay the price when He is rejected.
The only sin involved in the Hannah Graham case was that of an individual taking advantage of a young girl. And “behaving safely, wisely and healthily” is victim blaming, in that it places responsibility on the victim to not ‘deserve’ the crime.
Women are raped in the daylight. They are raped in crop tops, in miniskirts, in hijabi, in winter parkas, in jeans and T-shirts. They are raped by family and friends, by romantic partners and , and acquaintances.
They are raped regardless of whether or not Jesus is in their life, regardless of strength.
Hannah Graham may still have been victimized if she’d made different choices; or perhaps she would have been saved, but another girl would be victimized in her place. The only choice that would have made a true difference in this crime would have been her perpetrator choosing not to attack.
And spending so much time justifying your judgement of her choices helps no one and only serves to convince victims that on some level, they were responsible for making themselves victims.
This article is wonderfully composed, in that it clarifies the truth that anyone can be a victim, and instead of splitting hairs about what Hannah could have done, we should lay all the blame on her attacker and pray she is found and vindicated.
This was a great reply. I was about to reply to the above comment but couldn’t do it any better than you. Thank you!
THANK YOU!
Thank you for that reply, Alex.
Simple coon sense does need to come on to play. Those girlsade it home safely for that very reason. They had a plan and imitated it. No victim is to blame but being aware of what is in the world should make a huge difference in the choices that are made. Don’t be foolish & have a plan.
I think that’s the best reply to victim blaming I’ve ever read. Thank you, Alex.
Good job!!!! Thank you for taking the time & energy to articulate my thought exactly!
Beautifully said! THANK YOU for such a clear, well stated response.
Nice statement, and made sense up to the part that Jesus will save you! Really, scream for Jesus when your being attacked and then post about how he showed up and stopped it!
I think you need to re-read this. There is no mention of Jesus.
“The only real answer to all of our woes is Jesus!” Maybe YOU should re-read this.
Yup. Jesus was definitely mentioned at the end. I didn’t see him coming!
Actually, I didn’t mention Jesus at all in the post. One of those commenting did. It’s in the very first comment, so I can see how it might look like I wrote it. I do write about Jesus on occasion, but not in this particular story.
Frank, I believe you are responding to Ginny Bain Allen’s comment, not to the blog post, am I right? It was Ginny who stated (as she blamed Hannah for her attacker’s crime) that “…the only real answer to all of our woes is Jesus…”
Frank was right with Ginny until she added Jesus to the end of her commentary. I disagree with Ginny and I disagree with Frank, but I sincerely thank “Rage for Explaining” for a wonderfully eloquent summation of why victims are not to blame for the crimes of their attackers.
Jesus never means for any of the evil that happens to happen. His gift to us was free will, and His ways are not our ways. He may not appear to save you physically but He never leaves your side and He offers spiritual salvation. The Lord works in ways that we don’t always understand, and His method of salvation will sometimes be incomprehensible because we’re human and don’t always see the big picture. But He loves us, all of us, and He will return someday to right this world.
A god that would stand by my side during a sexual assault without intervening is not a god that deserves my love and devotion.
Jesus is always with us. He may not save us physically, but He is here to save our souls and He will be with us and see us through any darkness we face. And He will hold us in His arms forever.
Amen to that! I found Jesus after JMU but I wish I had known him there. Great article!
Frank, you have no idea how God comforted Hannah during that hideous ending to her life.
I don’t think you got the above point. It doesn’t matter how you are dressed, if you are sober, if you are in a group. Women are at risk. Until the falseness of blaming women as you do ceases, men will not learn to be responsible for themselves. If the guys who wear tight pants and unbuttoned shirts aren’t getting raped by women why can’t you see that the same should be true for women by men? Or do you characterize those guys as getting lucky with slutty girls?
Do you truly not comprehend what I wrote?
Stay home, wear a turtle neck, and never go anywhere alone? That’s your answer to this? How many males would follow this edict? You are missing the point!
I don’t think that was the point of this blog post. The point was to show that victim-blaming based on what the girl was wearing or what she did (eg. drinking) doesn’t solve the real problem: that women will be targeted no matter what. There is no obvious solution to the problem presented in the post; it’ just pointing out a problem in our society’s view of these events.
Jesus? Seriously? Did Hannah not love Jesus enough? JESUS! I know. Jesus loves me but your his favorite?
Many studies have been conducted over the years since I graduated from Sweet Briar in 1967, based on jail interviews with convicted rapists, addressing,among other things, how they chose their victims. Almost invariably, it is, “I decided that I would rape the next female who came around that corner… or down those stairs… or out of that door…” Never did the age, or dress or appearance of that next female have anything to do with it. It was always the very next female who came into view, be she 8 or 80. Terri Gau is absolutely right: The “blame the victim” response is just as demeaning and divorced from reality to all women as it is to all men who are capable of restraining their baser (criminal) urges. Those men should be as outraged as we are, and recognizing that this judgmental world view depicts them as despicable satyrs, should fight along with us against this very unhelpful response.
I blame all of this on the change of our society from one of helpers, of reaching out to others, & getting involved helping those who need help no matter what it is. As a 56 yo male I miss the days of the past. Where people would stop and offer to help, as husbands didn’t worry about wives out by themselves. If you saw someone needing help we reached out and helped, thought nothing of our selves but of those in need.
Like our brave troops that are out there giving there lives for us at home or giving there lives by jumping on a bomb to save there buddies with no thought of themselves. The person in the store line who is short of money for whatever they are buying, giving them however much they are short and thank them for the opportunity to help.
Why have we as a society changed? We think of ourselves only and yes here is where Jesus comes in. He gave his all for me! And I am so every blessed he did. Now you want to ask what did he do for you, shout out for him and see what he does.
I will tell you, when I was diagnosed with terminal cancer he was there to provide me the peace of mind and strength to carry on. He has provided me with a group of brothers and sisters to help and be with me. I have been blessed with three years of extra life, he was there with the Doctors to guide them with skill when I had to have emergency surgery. He was there when my wife and I went to court for a speeding ticket she received and to our surprise the Judge said “we will look at this as a warning, you may go now.” We didn’t ask the Judge for this, he done it completely of his own free will.
What did I do? I praised God for his goodness, and for each day he chooses to give me life.
Amen. Agreed 100%
This does not seem to fall behind the message/comment I read that I agree 100% with…. I am for TEAM JESUS… AND FOR BEING SMART AND PROACTIVE FOR YOUR OWN WELL BEING AND SAFETY while here on earth.
Ginny, it seems some believe you are saying that Hannah in some way sinned. I hope you are not saying that. I did not read it that way. I am with you about being wise, but you made an unfortunate statement that undermines that message. “Had Hannah not been out alone late, in the dark, inebriated, dressed seductively, she would still be alive.” You cannot know that her abductor (or any abductor to anyone) wasn’t just waiting for the next woman around the corner, regardless of her appearance. You cannot even know that being in the company of another girl would have prevented her from being followed (re: this article). You cannot know that broad daylight would have changed this (Jesse Matthews did this to another young woman in broad day light). Had you not stated those details as facts of the cause, you may have had a better case. Had you conceded that there is no way to guarantee freedom from harm, you may have had more traction.
I don’t think anyone actually disagrees that at the present time, behaving with awareness in certain ways (though some of those ways may be arguable) may DECREASE the likelihood of being abducted. If they do say this, the claim is probably less a belief and more a shift in focus out of a strong desire to protect the victim’s psyche. There are also some who truly believe that Utopia is possible here and now.
What I would say to you in addressing those people is this: affirm the former view, as you did; recognize the latter view, as you did not. Some people may not even realize that they’re argument is based on the belief that Utopia is possible. So put it out there and with a tone that allows for agreeing to disagree. The answer to that question is so fundamental to the rest of a person’s worldview, that if they discover this is their true belief, there will not be much progress for either of you in the argument. And finally, to some extent, you are not to blame for the backlash you are receiving, though you could have said some things differently. In this context, you were on the offense and the subject was a victim. Terry Gau was free to use Hannah as a subject because she did so in her defense. You did so, taking the opposing side and even though you tried to be clear you were not blaming her, simply because you positioned yourself as opposite to Terry, you were perceived as on the offense to Hannah Graham. And finally, as you believe violence is inevitable, so too is disagreement. While we should strive for harmony, as for peace, when that fails, learn from it. Listen to the feedback, sift what’s worth learning from and what’s worth leaving. You may be doing that already, and if so, I hope I have been an encouragement to you.
What I would say to those who would rather not discuss what preventative measures innocent people can take to protect themselves, is this: consider that it may be a disservice to those who are not yet victimized. It doesn’t have to be a choice between protecting the victim or arming the would-be victim. Prevention and aftercare are two different tasks, attended to from the same heart. If you would have compassion for a person after tragedy, have compassion for her before tragedy giving each what each requires at that moment in time. No one insists we should not talk about locking our doors when we’re not home, or that it would be harmful to advise tips on internet security. After these properties are breached, it would be normal for the victim to feel some amount of regret if those precautions were not taken, and no one would tell them to continue in that behavior after the property was recovered. At the same time, that person nor anyone else would place the actual, singular BLAME on anyone except the criminal. The context may dictate how that education is delivered, definitely. Aftercare requires a much more relational, focused approached, handled with care to separate the sticky pieces of regret, naivete, and innocence.
Terry makes a point worth making that there is no way for women to entirely guarantee their protection and that men are not default rapists. I’m just not so sure I agree that the problem of violence to women is so disproportionately due to true victim-blaming (I hadn’t seen it before this article) or prevention – either one. We do need education on how to protect ourselves in the future, and I hope that this can be done without making a spectacle out of a victim.
For anyone to believe Utopia is possible on our privileged planet, that is a clear indication that such a person does not think rationally. When one takes a realistic look at one’s own family, and then considers that there are 7 billion people living on Earth, it is insanity to believe heaven can be attained here.
Our society has always blamed the victim. I think it makes it easier to accept the tragic losses rather than admit it can happen to anyone at anytime. The randomness, the unexplained, the unsolved are too hard to process. If the victim is at fault, then we can be safe. Denial.
Why don’t you post this in UVA’s and the Charoletteville paper as an op-ed. It’s that good.
As a Charlottesville resident and a UVa employee, I second Debbie’s comment. This is a wonderful post – would love to see it appear as op-ed in the Daily Progress.
There is a world of difference between blaming the victim, and learning from a tragedy to teach our daughters to be prudent, and to protect themselves. Like you and your friends did, successfully.
Would have been a nice touch if some gentleman had offered to escort them home upon noticing that they were leaving. But I guess that was no longer a part of our culture back in ’82 and hasn’t reemerged for Hannah’s sake in the present culture. Come on guys, man up!
Women shouldn’t need an escort. How is one supposed to know the difference between a well-meaning escort and one who actually intends us harm. If a man I did not know very well offered to walk me home, I would kindly decline his offer. I appreciate where you’re coming from on this but you have to recognize that this is a threat to women too. And if a woman were to be victimized by some one who offered to escort her home, people would be asking why she let him walk her home or what she was doing with a man alone, outside. Having an escort is not the solution to violence against women and quite honestly is a tactic that some men would use in order to hurt women.
I agree – I would have declined also as you never know his intentions. I would walk with another girl, but not a guy. I know someone who was walked to her car by a security guard and was raped! It is not safe for women to walk by herself at night. My question is how did she get separated from her friends. I always tell my daughter who is 17 and will be going to college soon – that she needs to always stay with someone and never to let anyone go on by themselves especially in gatherings, concerts – for all safety concerns. I am scared for my daughter to go on to college – but I know it will happen – so I am trying to teach her what to due in difficult situations. It is sad that a girl (especially young) who walks by herself is more of a target than a boy. Statistics show that more girls are raped. Girls need to be taught what to do – either at school or at home that these terrible things do happen. Young adults are going to try to get away with drinking – it happens off and on campus and there is no repercussions. Security guards need to have something in place like teach what many preschools teach an adult can not go into the bathroom with just one child – there has to be at least 2 – for some of the same safety precautions. I am looking at colleges now and safety is one of the biggest concerns as a parent. Some ppl will say kids will be kids let them experiment – there is a reason that there is a drinking age law – brains are still developing to at least 21. I am praying that Hannah and will be found and hope this will bring awareness to this issue.
They need to water-board Jesse Matthew’s wicked arse, along with Jim Camblos’s wicked arse!
We are all potential victims. No one deserves to be a victim of anything. Carry a revolver, no casings to look for and shoot. Ask questions later and only if you get asked.
Thank you for sharing your frightening ordeal with us. You have shown us that no one is deserving of having our actions judged or our lives threatened. What happened to you and your two friends was simply terrifying. I am thankful that you are all okay. I pray that Hannah Graham will be found soon. It is heartbreaking that a sexual predator was the only one who came to her aide when she needed a friend to make sure she made it safely home. May God bless the authorities and guide them to Hannah. She deserves to be with her family.
Great article! Not so great a reply from Ginny who obviously doesn’t know a thing about being a victim or rape! Alex is right on the mark! When I was sixteen my seventy year old neighbor was asleep in her own home when she was violently attacked by a rapist! Did she ask for it? When I was 26 I was raped by a co-worker. Did I ask for it??? Certainly not! My fourteen year old daughter raped in broad daylight in the present of friends! My 25 year old daughter raped by her best friend’s boyfriend. Murderers and rapists don’t particularly care what you are wearing or the time of day it takes place or whether or not you believe in Jesus. Woman are murdered by their husbands and vice versa every day. I also agree with Butzbach and Steven 100%!
Please submit this to the JMU Breeze. The campus community very much needs to read this thoughtful and provocative essay.
Beautifully written.
This is a well-written article, Terry. Your experience speaks to a sensible approach to going out for drinks. Your countermeasures worked in spite of the presence of a predator. How amazing is that? A cool head and being aware of your surroundings made all the difference. Jacqueline is right…Perhaps you should share your story as widely as possible.
All too often, hand to hand combat training is taught to our ladies…then they sally forth into the world prepared only for the moment a man is actually assaulting her. This is akin to only wearing a seatbelt and ignoring sensible driving behavior. Sure, the seatbelt can, and might, save your life…but do you want to bet your existence that it will?
I run a company that teaches women self-protection. Self-defense moves are used in a fight. Self-protection is used all day, every day. It is an awareness of our surroundings. It is thinking in advance about the fact that your tire might blow out. It is running the “What if….” through your mind regarding that darn stairwell at work that makes you nervous. Thinking about potential events well in advance promotes a problem solving attitude that becomes a way of life.
I wish we lived in an environment that did not involve sudden assault. I myself, have had to run for my life…and it was in Richmond, Virginia in 1989. If I had not seen the look on the faces of the men in the white Volvo that drove past me, I would have been maimed or killed right there. Fighting skill would not have saved me.
My phone has been ringing off the hook in light of these terrible events, and I am teaching a course for free at the Rescue Mission right now. Looking at the world through eyes that are open to solutions rather than focusing on the problem itself leads to a far more peaceful and relaxed existence. We cannot learn solutions if we never look at the problem, but in a well taught self-protection class…fear is reduced, not exacerbated.
Again…thank you for your article.
Why do i feel as if most of yall just are blaming it on Jesse Matthews because he is black? I know a lot of people who are from VA or any pther southern states can be quite racist….. Idk it just seems like a lot of the blaming is around him and a lot of people just wanna blame it on him so they can see a black man go to jail…. Now, im white btw, so i have no racist bone in my body, but older people tend to be more racist and i feel like the majority that put all blame on Jesse are just racist white people. So why dont you just maybe think about it a little more that it could be a white guy instead? Idk, just food for though. Also, there are hundreds of missing kids probably in VA and all focus is on Hannah, we need to focus our attention on all of them (including Hannah) how about we start making pages for Help Find The Kids. Idk just seems messed up that we are only focusing on one person when hudreds else are missing….. God Bless Hannah and hope she is found. Just stop making accusations on someone based on skin color. Feel free to reply to this message or let it sink in for a lil bit. Im not commenting or coming back to this post so do what you wish.
Sexual predators exist with no regard to race, religion, ethnicity, country, or anything else you can think of except that most are men, and in comparison, a few are women. If a person wants to lessen the chances of becoming a victim, know that the prior statement is true and not think that sexual deviation is related to race, because it is not. Jesse Matthew is a sexual predator, and there are many, many more out there, as I have already stated, from every walk of life you can think of. Don’t be foolish.
Where’s your proof that he is a sexual predator? Has he even been convicted of a related crime? Your too caught up in the media fervor. You know who’s probably REALLY a sexual predator? That creepy white guy that follows Graham in the video BEFORE Matthews turns around. The mob seems to have forgotten about him or his involvement and/or let him off the hook, because “he came forward”. People are really being dense about this case, and it’s very sad to see.
Funny, yours is the first comment that I can see that has mentioned race, so accusing others of making this about the color of Jesse Matthews’ skin is ridiculous. Go stir another pot somewhere else.
Others think there’s a racial connection as well, including me. They’re just too afraid to speak up because of ridiculous comments like yours. I’m not afraid, and will tell you and others to your face that I think there’s a definite racial element. Including how the police has handled it, the excessive coverage, the overuse of funds and law enforcement resources, etc. So, there you have it. Make of it what you will. I applaud the Anonymous poster for saying what other have been afraid to. So there you go…..I just stirred the pot……Peace.
That lacrosse player at UVA that killed his girlfriend was a white guy, glad to see him put away also. Just because the guy’s black doesn’t make him innocent.
While I get what you were trying to achieve with this, speaking as a girl born and raised in Chilhowie I didn’t want to read the whole thing. Glad “Trish” the clueless country bumpkin made it home okay thanks to the protection of her two big bad “city girls”.
Here’s the thing…. imagine if Terry and Lisa had not been with Trish that night. The outcome from that scary night may well have been different. NOT because Trish “asked for it,” but simply because evil does exist in this world, and so do bad people. I, too, came of age in the 80s, and the girls I hung out with had a strict rule that *someone* had to remain sober, and no one was allowed to leave the group. Yes, the culture we live in needs to change where women can walk freely and without fear in broad daylight or in the dead of night. But until that happens, you can be sure that I will teach my kids – male and female – to stay in a group, and stay self-aware. HEAR ME: I do not believe that Hannah’s disappeared was her fault. But I do believe that had she been with a pack of friends, her story may have run more along the lines of this author’s. Protecting oneself from the predators of the world is not victim-blaming. It is simply self-defense against the world we live in.
Wonderful story, wish all females had friends like you! Please send to All newspapers!
I would have read the entire article but I was so irritated and insulted by your portrayal of the cute, clueless, country bumpkin “Trish” from Chilhowie, Va, that I had no desire to complete it. I just read this to my coworkers who are equally irritated and offended. We all were born and raised in Chilhowie. I just can’t fathom how we made it to adulthood without two big, bad “city girls” to protect us clueless southern belles. While I understand what you were trying to do with this post, it was lost in how envious you seem of Trish. You certainly don’t write about her in a friendly manner, unconcerned with how much attention she got. I guess the great big city of Harrisonburg didn’t prepare you for that. Good luck to Hannah and her family, I can’t imagine what they are going through. And good luck to you on your next article- might want to take in consideration exactly how you’re coming off to others. Even us country bumpkins who have no idea what it sounds like when someone is following us.
When I lived in a small town, we left our houses open and our cars unlocked with the keys still in them. Trusting? Yes. We knew everybody. People who were raised there *tended to* have two different reactions toward being in a big city: 1) being hyper-vigilant and seeing danger everywhere, or 2) being naively trusting. Of course, not everyone is the same.
I moved to Baltimore at one point and scandalized people who found out where I was driving by myself. I thought they were being overly dramatic as I hadn’t felt an instant of danger where I was. The statistics were on their side. My antenna was up for stalking critters, bears, mountain lions and stalking humans, but to this day I probably don’t really properly estimate the danger from people with weapons. That isn’t because I am from a small town (I’m not) though I lived in one for a time during high school. One can be protected and/or naive being from the city or the country. It depends on personality and upbringing, don’t you think? It wasn’t an insult to every person from your town, or even toward Trish. I don’t sense condescension, envy or dislike toward Trish at all!
To each his own. I don’t see why “Trish” warranted three paragraphs on her social behavior when that had nothing to do with the overall topic of the article. Everyone will read into it what they will, but I have several members of Chilhowie in agreement with me so I’m not the only one that came away with a sour view. And the author clearly points out that because they were “city girls” they knew how to handle themselves more appropriately than “Trish”. I’m not sure how you came away with a differing view when that much was made apparent. I’ll include the quote in case you missed it:
“Lisa was a city-girl from Baltimore, so she and I had the same city training. Trish did not.”
I am also from a small town, Natural Bridge, and I didn’t feel offended at all. Of course, she did not mention NB specifically, but I don’t believe it would have concerned me. Did you ever think she was just writing about the girl she KNEW from Chilhowie?
I, personally, think the topic of the article should outweigh any concern you have about a country bumpkin image portrayal, but, as you say, to each her own.
We need to get these girls equipped with some safety defense items! Talk to your child before they leave for college and tell them to carry some type of self defense when they are out walking around at night, It could deter an attacker just by seeing it!
I don’t care that I have a right to dress the way I want, go where and when I want, with or without a companion(s), I have a choice. And, yes no place is considered safe if someone wants to harm me, but I know the odds are against me when I don’t take precautions. Hannah should never be blamed for what happened. However, in light of her circumstances, enebriated, isolated, lost, unaware of her surroundings and at 1am, the odds were more against her safety than for her safety. Anyone can be a victom if the odds are not in their favor.
Wonderfully put
I think the point has been missed here. Women have always been targets regardless of how they’re dressed. It’s a sad and defiantly not okay fact, but in most cases victims are chosen because they look weak or are alone. That’s not victim blaming because there is nothing one can do about it at the given time. The point is that we assume that “she was asking for it” and that “he can’t control himself” instead of standing up for the victim and blaming the rapist. And somehow we get from that perfectly fine logic to ignoring the fact that serial killers admit that there is a rhyme to the people they kill. So all of you are arguing about two different aspects of how these crimes happen.
Excellent article.
Thank you for that excellent article. Most of us have had one of those friends who could be completely oblivious to the dangers around her simply because she never had to worry about it before.I understood that part.
I’ve had this argument with male coworkers while in the military working in law enforcement! I threw this statment at them when they tried to victim blame: So what about when it’s a child? So it’s what the child was wearing or doing? No! That’s you giving the perpetrator an out. Insane that there are people who still blame the victim and it’s 2014.
It is all part of the extreme right-wing War against Women.
In my experience, victim-blaming happens on both sides of the political chasm, and doesn’t really seem to have anything to do with the Right vs. Left culture war.
Love the article. Sexual predators will look for somebody they perceive as weak, somebody they can physically control. They will also hang around places where they will have more opportunities to commit sexual assaults: Beach Week, Spring Break and weekends at college towns to name a few. It was not Hannah’s fault that this predator was around and took advantage of the situation. I have a daughter in college and I always tell her to use the buddy system, you never know when it can save your life like in the case of the blogger. We need to teach our daughters to be street smart, don’t become an easier target by being alone or impaired in any way. Also teach them to listen to their inner voice, telling them that something is not right and they need to get out of the situation and ask for help…. scream your lungs off but never leave with somebody that makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened. Many times women tend to be polite and don’t want to be embarrassed but we need to remember that our lives and our safety trump any embarrassment we might feel at the moment. We women have to take care of each other, don’t judge women in embarrassing situations….. ask if you can help and get them out of there if you confirm that they can not take care of themselves at that moment.
Make sure you don’t become an easier target and watch out for other women, whether they are your friends or not. Somebody’s parents will be thankful for your help because you decided to get involved.
Great article with only one other point to touch on: regardless of where you are, predators exist and will find ways to prey on you. From my own personal experiences, you can be in a place that you find incredibly safe – such as a lake house with your friends for vacation – and still run into a person who wants to do you harm, and a college campus is no different. I feel like this is something that needs to be addressed more on college campuses to prevent future tragedies from occurring. Moreover, I think one of the biggest problems that people have is the inability to address this because they are ignorant of the fact that this could happen anywhere; just because you’re at a school to study and to make friends doesn’t mean that you can’t run into trouble, which the Graham disappearance and this article point out. With that being said, I think that better education on the realities of predators could in turn cause more students to take themselves out of situations where they could be potentially hurt. I hope you submit this article to every Virginia school that will accept it, because it provides a very real account of the issues that people – men and especially women – face in the world, even at college.
“Until we can make this distinction, we will prolong the myth that all men are rapists and all women secretly wish to be raped.”
Way to be forward thinking!
I can tell this story was written from the heart — and it should be published widely. Those who want to make a point that Hannah is part of the problem, I feel, take some of the blame away from the predator (I won’t say the name of the man in custody, as even though facts point to him, he hasn’t been brought to trial or proven guilty as of this time). I know women who in their youth were sexually molested or raped before they were even old enough to attend elementary school, sometimes by trusted family members. Were they partially to blame because of the way they dressed or acted? Of course not. As has been noted, if a predator is intent on defiling a female, they will find one, no matter the age or how she is dressed, or if she’s been drinking or not, etc. (Think Ted Bundy.) Since when has a crop top been “putting yourself in harm’s way”? We wore them in the 70’s with our hip-hugger jeans with a 2-inch zipper — and it was considered normal dress. But that was also a different era. Not to say that bad things didn’t happen then, but the world today is a more dangerous place. Getting the predators off the street, and educating women in awareness and self defense sounds like a good goal to have. It won’t stop all sex crimes but it may stop a few. I hope Hannah’s family can find peace and I hope they aren’t hurt by those who try to say she was somehow culpable. Is getting drunk and walking alone late at night a great decision? No — but she may very well have met the same fate if she had been dressed for Sunday school. Let’s not point the finger at a young woman who was a victim of an assault — as most of us “stone sober” have probably been in situations where we could have been such a victim as well.
Excellent story, well-written, ignore some of the criticism here, because you portrayed an excellent picture of how college life was at that time. I also attended a southern university, grew up in small insular southern towns, and knew nothing of how to protect myself from someone who might be tailing or stalking me. I honestly don’t know how my friends and I got through our college years unscathed, we were so trusting. I do have a memory of leaving the campus library one night, by myself, and hearing someone call my name from the dense shrubbery as I walked out. I answered back and no one materialized. I kept saying “who’s there?” and no one replied. Then I heard some movement. It was dusk, and I was suddenly terrified. I ran back into the library and called my boyfriend to come walk me home. JM was a predator that just took advantage of anyone he could, that is clear. Thank you again for your thoughtful story. Women do need to travel in packs, that much is clear.
I also went to JMU, and know the route you took as described. How can you not remember whether you called Campus Police? If you were followed, don’t you have an obligation to let someone know what happened, out of concern for others?
I do believe that being safe, and making smart decisions help. The story the author told was that they made it. By being observant, by being quick. But it is not Hannahs fault, Or any of the girls that were taken from charlottesville. It was a sick person who took advantage of young girls being alone, and afraid and under the influence of Alcohol. They deserve Justice! Women should not have to feel scared to be alone, to walk at night. Women are not objects.. They arent a toy for you to conquer.. We’re all human, the hate and negativity needs to stop before we destroy each other, destroy the world..
I Believe You|It’s Not Your Fault.
ibelieveyouitsnotyourfault.tumblr.com
I was also a freshman in 82 at JMU so it was especially interesting in reading your story. I have a daughter who is a high school senior, and as a mother it is a scary time. I pray she remembers all the things I have tried to teach her to keep her safe. I hope Hannah can be found to give her parents some closure.
Terry is right. It does happen all the time and it doesn’t matter if your alone or in a group of 3. The attacker can grab one and take off or all 3 if they are able. Sometimes there are situations where you go out with a group and somehow end up alone, like the case of the other missing girl linked to Jesse matthews. She went with a group to a concert, briefly left and was denied re-entry. Now she was alone. And what does she do, what I’ve told my daughters to do, Call a taxi or the police. Well now we know you can’t safely call a Taxi..Can we count on the police to deliver every girl left alone safely home? This is a huge concern for all women. It breaks my heart for Hannah and her family:(
What resulted in Hannah Graham’s devastating disappearance was like the perfect gathering storm. How the seemingly insignificant parts to her story, while standing alone, all added together, in the end produced a fatal result. A fatal ending that reminds me of the disaster that occurred on Mount Everest in 1996, detailed in the book INTO THIN AIR. All the components that alone would have simply been an inconvenience, when strung together, caused the deaths of a number of expert mountain climbers.
I am friends with the girls mentioned in the story and lived across the hall from them in Wine Price. Most of us walked home alone from parties, the library, the art studios, wherever, many times during our years at JMU.
I look back and wonder at our naivete and our good luck. I also wonder about the wisdom of putting hundreds of freshman girls together in a dorm on a hill and am grateful that my daughter attends a college in New York where there are men and women together and much tighter security.
Hey Sarah! Good to hear from you!
Thank you for sharing this thoughtful, well-written article.
I especially like your statement that rape is committed “by men who choose not to control themselves.” Our society focuses on the choices of the victim and never seems to get around to the essential choice made by the rapist. Or by the attacker, because we do the same thing with assaults that don’t include rape. We ask the victim, “What did you do to provoke him?” while we generally ask nothing of the attacker.
If we talk about the attacker at all, it’s either to agree he should be punished or make excuses for him. I suppose that’s because it’s more comfortable for us to look at the rapist as a monster who could not control himself than as a person who chose to rape someone. After all, we all think we know a monster when we see one, but a person with a choice could be a neighbor we chat with as we’re getting the mail.
Regardless of the victim’s choice of dress, location, or state of inebriation, it is the rapist’s choice to commit the violent act that should be in question. Discussing the victim’s choices in relation to the rape only serves to shame the victim and further let the rapist off the hook for his choice of action. It’s the potential rapist whose choice matters to the discussion. The rapist takes the victim’s choice away.
Very well written response.
I was also a student at JMU in 1982 and I was not as lucky as you – even though I was aware and I was not drinking or doing drugs. I suppose I was lucky enough to make it alive but they are out there they are real and sometimes you do not get away through no fault of your own.
I think Ginny’s reply was right on track. Rarely in the conflicts of life does only one side bear any responsibility. I would never say it was her fault, but there are wise ways to conduct ourselves and unwise. We all should look for ways to live responsibly and avoid the possibility of unwanted consequences. Being raped isn’t the only possible consequence of her behavior.
By saying “Rarely in the conflicts of life does only one side bear any responsibility,” you are saying that it was her fault. Yes, there are natural consequences to drinking too much. One of those natural consequences is a hangover. Being raped is not a natural consequence of drinking too much alcohol.
Is it a smarter choice to not be drunk, lost, and alone? Of course it is. But that doesn’t make a person in that state responsible for being murdered. The rapist is responsible for his choice to rape. The victim has NOTHING to do with that choice other than being in the wrong place in the wrong state at the wrong time.
I meant to type responsible for being raped rather than murdered. I would say the same thing about murder, but this comment was about rape.
I agree. I disagree. As a college grad and as a mother of a teen daughter, I say that you should always be smart. The things that are happening (drunk driving accidents, rapes, assaults… you name it) –the majority occur in darkness. Where the devil hunts. Having said that, being at the wrong place at the wrong time is something that CAN be controlled. (Had the girls headed back to the bar or a populated place and asked/yelled for help, I am sure they would have gotten help, instead of heading for isolation and increased risk, they were terribly lucky ) had the girls not been there or had a better plan for getting “home”….NOT BLAMING THEM FOR THE SCUM BAG’S BEHAVIOR.
I speak of the awareness factor as I discuss safety with my daughter. It is like driving… sure, I trust you will drive safely, but I cannot speak to the thousands who drive along side you every day. What is wrong with teaching girls to have common sense and a little bit of fear…. that the world is not a safe place… evil is more prevalent now than ever. And is promised to worsen. Thank you for references to Jesus (in comments). Because with Him in life or death we are eternally safe. We ARE and will be the choices we make. What a hope for those parents of missing girls that one day be it living or in death they will see their daughters again…. in Heaven. My brother died @ 23 in a car accident just after midnight …. had he been at home in bed… (just saying). But his soul is safe with Jesus. Without Him, there is nothing. Praying that they do find Hannah, praying Hannah knew Jesus. Praying the right man gets punished (and trust me, God WILL get the right man. Rest assured.) Praying for all those young girls in college or in the dating scene or preparing to go to college to be safe and be smart. Offenders are out there and their presence is real. Be smart. And by all means HAVE A PLAN. and regardless of the outcome, have a relationship with Jesus. We will all die. Why die a hellacious death to then live in hell? I pick Heaven… no matter how I die.
Wonderfully written! Hannah was not “asking for” anything to happen to her. I love to be by myself. I go many places alone and by the grace of God, I have never been attacked. The point of the story is Hannah should not have been attacked. That there are monsters out there just waiting on the opportunity to attack. It does not matter what you’re doing, where you are, or what you are wearing! In every society there are predators just waiting on the next person to rape. They are evil individuals.
Ginny, I’m sorry but YOU are an idiot!!! didesch you are right there with Ginny! “Had Hannah not been out alone late, in the dark, inebriated, dressed seductively, she would still be alive.” I pray you are never raped. There have been multiple rapes where the victim was at home or in a church, were they being unwise? Rape is rape and No means No!!! If I walk around naked, it is my body and no one has the right to touch me! I am a Christian but both of your comments sent me around the bend! I cannot believe anyone could say “The only real answer to all of our woes is Jesus! We all pay the price when He is rejected.” What are you saying? If we pray no one will come into our lives and kill or rape us?
Anonymous, where did the race card come from? Color was never mentioned until you brought it up. Why does everything turn to race baiting? Yes, the person they have arrested is black but this story and the conversations that followed never mentioned race. You too are an idiot!
Lacey and Chilhowie Bumpkin, don’t be so defensive. I’m a country girl and was not offended. You’re almost as defensive as the race baiter.
I wish people would read to get the point of a story instead of picking it apart looking for something to offend them.
Great job Terry!!!!!
Theresa, not sure why you felt the need to address me being “defensive” when I have clearly stated I would not have been offended if the author had not made it a point to make the Chilhowie girl appear completely unprepared for danger as compared to the “city girls”. That was completely irrevelant and unnecessary to her post and did not contribute anything at all. It doesn’t matter where you’re from, your own personal instinct for self preservation is based on yor upbringing and common sense. As for your comparing me to a “race baiter”, as you put it, you don’t know the first thing about me, and you certainly don’t know enough to make a comment as presumptuous as that. Calling everyone one you had an opinion about an “idiot” simply made you look juvenile yourself.
I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you for speaking out on behalf of saving the next girl for our daughters, sisters, mothers, aunts, and friends.
In 1986, I was a sophomore at the University of Florida. One Sunday morning at 8 am I was walking from my dorm to the local Catholic Church on the other side of campus. As I passed a dorm parking lot, I was aware of a man in a car, not a student, staring at me as I passed. Five minutes later he attacked me as I took a shortcut by a building. Evidently I screamed. He ran off. I ran toward safety and flagged down a campus police car. They found him less than 20 minutes later – after he’d attacked another person and raped her. I was lucky. The other girl was not. I saw her from time to time around the area – and still wonder if she is ok. We were both on our way to Mass. We didn’t ask for this. We weren’t provocative. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
So I saw this on pposted on FB. Good article and needs to be said so people will wake up. A little scary for a dad like me whose daughter is at JMU right now. That is why she went home this weekend with a stun gun with 19 million volts. Hopefully she will never have to use it.
We are all prisoners of the primitive behavior amongst some of the human beings that we coexist with. The Universities are prey for beings like this and before you send your child off to college to survive in this crazy world we live in, you’d better pray because that is the only thing you can do.
The world is a scary place and has become much more dangerous than when I was released into it to create my future. When I look back 50+ years to those years when I was flexing my new independence I’m astonished that I made it out in one piece. I was reckless and stupid. In today’s world I doubt I’d be so lucky. I’m not saying that this type of behavior invites being raped or worse but there is a lot to be said for being thoughtful, safety-conscious and smart about your environment. It never hurts to have a plan and be mindful and prepared. You could become a target no matter what you do or don’t do but you can at least have a plan to control the outcome. Be proactive by arming yourself with the tools you may need to defend yourself. Basic self defense could save your life.
Good article but, did you take English classes at JMU? “She asked Lisa and I “